last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
