She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
