Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
