It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love having hate sex.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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