Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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