party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The air was thick with penises
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
not ubering you a puppy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
