yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
