Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Randomize
