I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
