SEEEEXXX PLEASE
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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