I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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