Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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