she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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