Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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