I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
