I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
