Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
