after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
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