I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Randomize
