I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
