You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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