My hand turned me down
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
