Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
