I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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