my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
