I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
