The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
