THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
