i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
