I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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