don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
