K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
