T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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