just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
