I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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