Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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