Plan B is the new Plan A
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
