You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
