I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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