Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
