Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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