Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
