Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
