You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
