Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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