Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
