why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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