Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
