this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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