i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
